WASHINGTON–MSNBC has released a portion of President Donald Trump’s tax returns from 2005, and while a number of items are cause for concern (including ties to the Russian oligarchy), a specific pair of items have left little doubt that Mr. Trump is, in fact, among the undead. Trump filed write-offs for a large purchase of human blood (the item clarifies: ’52 liters of blood from the bodies of young Russian maidens’) and for a ‘teeth cleaning’ with one Dr. Dracovich, a Slovakian man with known ties to the occult and to vampirism.
Unsubstantiated reports from anonymous sources within the Trump White House have muddied the issue by insisting that Mr. Trump does not drink the blood of the living, but rather bathes in it, like an ancient witch. “As if that makes it better,” Senator Harry Reid responded informally to reporters on the hill. “Whether he’s drinking it, bathing in it, or grounding it up and snorting it, I don’t care. It’s the last straw. Mr. President, you’re fired.”
Press Secretary Sean Spicer vehemently denied the claims and asserted the tax return information had been falsified. When pressed, Spicer’s face reddened and he muttered into the microphone, “Look, if golden showers couldn’t stop him, what makes you think red showers will?”
President Trump has yet to make an official statement affirming or denying the growing rumors of his otherworldly appetite.
WASHINGTON–The 19th Amendment, which was ratified in 1920 and which gave women the vote in America, may be in the cross-hairs of the White House’s law-and-order approach. After his initial executive order banning women from voting, effectively nullifying the amendment, President Trump faced a backlash from the judicial system, which promptly declared the ban unconstitutional. But President Trump has retaliated with a new order, as he said he would, in an attempt to get around the judiciary ruling.
Experts say the new executive order has been carefully crafted (unlike the first) to avoid any misinterpretation or resulting injustice. “What we want, it’s very simple,” President Trump said in a statement. “Secure borders.” When questioned why he wanted to secure America’s borders against women’s suffrage, President Trump only shrugged and smirked. When asked if this move could be interpreted as retaliatory against former opponent Hillary Clinton, who won the popular vote for President, Trump pursed his lips, muttered something about a nasty woman, and proceeded to discuss his “Massive, truly” win in the electoral college.
Asked about the legitimacy of the 19th amendment, the President responded with his rallying cry of “repeal and replace!”
MOSCOW–Sources within the Trump administration have leaked that President Trump is planning an extended stay at the Kremlin in Moscow. The President’s White House staff, chief strategists, and a select number of cabinet positions are expected to travel with him to be guests of Vladimir Putin for up to the next four years.
President Trump has been under fire from critics about both his numerous trips already to his Mara Lago resort and First Lady Milania Trump’s ongoing residence at Trump Tower in New York City since Trump took office. Complaints that the President is avoiding the White House are nothing new. George W. Bush was often criticized for his multiple trips to his family ranch in Texas, and Barack Obama likewise for his many golf vacations. But Trump’s proposed stay in Moscow is of an unprecedented length. What remains to be seen is how well Washington can be governed from the Kremlin.
“Believe me,” President Trump told reporters, “it’s a lot easier than you would think.”
Independent confirmation of the leak is forthcoming.
HOLLYWOOD–Audiences at home and live at the Academy Awards were shocked Sunday night when Jordan Horowitz, producer of La La Land, was rushed onstage by security and given a new envelope, declaring Moonlight had won the United States Presidential Election in the Electoral College.
Horowitz had come to the stage with the announcement that La La Land had won best picture. “Fake news,” the one-time president tweeted. “The dishonest media is at it again. SAD.”
“I was shocked,” Horowitz told the Associated Press. “Of course, we had been hoping for some way to free ourselves from the reign of the Cheetoh. But who would have guessed the truth would come out during the Oscars? Truth is stranger than fiction. Just bizzare.”
The White House declined further comment, although the Donald has been lighting up Twitter at all hours of the night ever since the announcement, with threats to ‘build a wall’ around the nation’s capitol.
WASHINGTON–White House officials confirmed today that President Trump has signed a new executive order, this time issuing a ban on encyclopedic knowledge from entering the United States. “These so-called facts,” the statement reads, “have had a free run at our borders for far too long.” The White House has pledged to secure American borders and prevent the arrival of more “extreme facts” in the country.
Continue reading “Breaking News: President Trump Signs Travel Ban on Encyclopedic Knowledge”
Yesterday the world listened with baited breath as NASA announced the discovery of seven exoplanets orbiting a red dwarf star some forty lightyears away, and suggested that three or four of the planets are orbiting in the ‘goldilocks zone’ and may therefore be capable of supporting liquid water (and life as we know it).
Continue reading “Breaking News: NASA Announces discovery of 7 Exoplanets; Trump promises to ‘Build That Space-Wall’”