WASHINGTON–MSNBC has released a portion of President Donald Trump’s tax returns from 2005, and while a number of items are cause for concern (including ties to the Russian oligarchy), a specific pair of items have left little doubt that Mr. Trump is, in fact, among the undead. Trump filed write-offs for a large purchase of human blood (the item clarifies: ’52 liters of blood from the bodies of young Russian maidens’) and for a ‘teeth cleaning’ with one Dr. Dracovich, a Slovakian man with known ties to the occult and to vampirism.
Unsubstantiated reports from anonymous sources within the Trump White House have muddied the issue by insisting that Mr. Trump does not drink the blood of the living, but rather bathes in it, like an ancient witch. “As if that makes it better,” Senator Harry Reid responded informally to reporters on the hill. “Whether he’s drinking it, bathing in it, or grounding it up and snorting it, I don’t care. It’s the last straw. Mr. President, you’re fired.”
Press Secretary Sean Spicer vehemently denied the claims and asserted the tax return information had been falsified. When pressed, Spicer’s face reddened and he muttered into the microphone, “Look, if golden showers couldn’t stop him, what makes you think red showers will?”
President Trump has yet to make an official statement affirming or denying the growing rumors of his otherworldly appetite.